So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
