he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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