I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
