This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
