dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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