i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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