new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im holly from the hills drunk
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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