Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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