i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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