I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
