i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize