He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
