I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
