Taylor Swift is so right about you.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
