Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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