Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
