I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
