Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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