Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
