He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
