My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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