dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
