We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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