apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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