Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
