just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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