Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
