oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
