you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
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