Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
