I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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