He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
