I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
