I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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