My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
