Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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