Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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