not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
