If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
