Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
