I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We need to get me chipped asap
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
