my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
