Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
