did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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