she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
