I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
