I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
honey bunches of taint.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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