He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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