White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
