My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
