Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
