I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
