I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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