I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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