i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
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I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
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It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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