So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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