why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
