WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
