it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Never underestimate the power of titties
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
