Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
