I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
