idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
